Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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