and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
