You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
