my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
