I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
