You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
