you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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