I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
