So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
