if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
