I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
