her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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