Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
