sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
