My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize