last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
