I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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