I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
