im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
