A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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