drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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