i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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