There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
