Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
