I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize