true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i need some magic done to my vagina
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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