...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
