I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
