how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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