Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
