People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
