So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
