Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
