So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
