i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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