dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
