Pappa wants mamma naked
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
