You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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