Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
