Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
