I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize