well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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