he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
