You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
