I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
