I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
