I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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