I seem to have left my pride at pride
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
