Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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