in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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