Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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