Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
