so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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