How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize