i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
