You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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