Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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