Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
