My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
