Someone shit on the floor
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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