If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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